I am at a stand still. I have been out of school for a little over a month now, and am more lost than ever. Finding employment feels like an unthinkable task. For people who have never experienced severe depression and anxiety, this can sound ridiculous. When your depression and anxiety is so completely debilitating, it is hard to think that you will ever find employment. I detest people who claim that disabilities are only of the physical kind, and detest those who can't understand just how paralyzing and debilitating depression and anxiety really are. The brain is one of the most important aspects of the human body after all. Add paranoia, and overwhelming, intense fear, along with a blackened perspective of seeing no future and wanting no future, and you've got quite a predicament. I can't explain my illness. I don't know where it came from. Genetics most likely. Why should I want to live a life where I'll never be happy? Because that's exactly what I'm heading for. I'm not sure whether I have the capability to stay happy. As an extremely private, quiet, sensitive, people-hating introvert, what hope is there for me? The very word "job" sends terror through my bones. It's not that I'm afraid to do a hard day's work. Don't put me in the lazy category, because that will just piss me off. I'm far from lazy. I'm an extremely hard worker. I just can't be around people. I can't deal with people. I have an unmanageable terror of them. I can barely leave my house without a freak out. If I'm around loved ones, I seem to feel safe. But when inside, the blinds must be drawn.
I've seen counselors for years for help. None have ever helped me. I suppose I should give them credit for helping to sustain me at least, but I think being in school should have the most credit. I was looking for answers to help me cope with my mental issues, but they all arrived ultimately at the same conclusion every time: shock therapy. Sorry, not going to happen. Don't have the funds for one, and two, I'm not keen on electricity through my brain, even if I do hate said brain. I already have enough memory problems as it is, and don't feel like going back for multiple sessions. Plus, it doesn't last. So what's the point? Grr.
Ultimately, there is no help for people like me. I really don't think there is. A bit dramatic perhaps, but there you have it. I have over $30,000 in students loans, and have no idea how I'm ever supposed to gain employment with my problems. People don't get that I can't just take any job. I could, but I'd kill myself within a week. Not a bad option I suppose, but given everything else that going on, I can't let myself do that right now. It would hurt too many people, and would be completely selfish.
My dad seems to be getting worse. I can't stand to think that he is feeling so rotten some days. There are days where he feels okay at least. Thank God for that. It's never pleasant to see one's parents sick. It is quite impossible actually. I cannot deal with it, so I numb my brain to such things. Hell of a way to live one's life. That forced, fake control will eventually slip away. I just pray to God I'm alone when it happens. At least there are options for my dad. A liver transplant will do him well, but if he can't wait until he's 65 (four months), there are going to be huge financial problems. Over $500,000 of financial problems to be exact. Hopefully our house won't be taken away. But of course, it's just money. Life is priceless, especially when it belongs to your beloved father.
I suppose we'll all just have to muddle though...somehow.
Love your posts as always....remember that there are medicaid programs for people who work and make money but their medical expenses put them in a category where he'd make a payment every few months and get everything else covered. Transplants included. Transplants require a prior authorization, but if there's a medical need, they are approved. So there's hope. If you or your mom or dad go to http://www.ime.state.ia.us/Members/index.html. Of course I can't guarantee anything, but it's DEFINITELY worth a try. I think he'd qualify. NOt for FULL medicaid benefits, but for a program called the 'medically needy' program, for when medical expenses basically make it impossible to pay things like mortgage, etc, etc. And he can be seen anywhere if he has it (in most cases).
ReplyDeleteLove you!