The Hawaiian Adventure: There and Back Again

We arrived at the Des Moines airport bright and early at 5 AM on December 4^th with our luggage in tow, having absolutely no idea what we were doing. The feeling isn’t exactly new for us, so we marched towards a row of computer screens with our determination in check.  Luckily, a woman approached to help us get all checked in, and when we boarded the plan, we were among the last to do so.  For whatever reason, our tour guide had not been there to greet us, but she found us on the plane and told us she’d been worried we were going to miss our trip! I wanted to kick her. We’d received no information in the mail as to when to arrive, where to meet, etc.  But whateves! It was my first plane ride, and luckily it was only for an hour and a half to Ft. Worth, Texas, where we had a two-hour lay over.  The encounter of strange beings part 1 occurred here when I noticed a few men carting a large rack of hay down the middle of the airport.  There was also a large group of about 100 children wearing pajamas and carrying teddy bears.

We finally took off for Hawaii, cramped in the middle row of an American Airlines plane, bombarded with grumpy stewardesses with their hair pulled too tightly.  For eight and a half hours we flew, and my temper rose with each minute. I hated the crowds, the horribly boring movies played, and the air vent that blew directly on my face. I longed to sneeze snot on the stewardesses. 

We arrived at the Honolulu airport with little trouble, and were received with leis in greeting, filled with fresh Plumeria flowers. It was at this moment we all got hoarded onto a bus and realized our tour director was a descendant of Satan. She scolded people for being late, for not being where they were supposed to be, etc.  “If I say meet at 6:00, I mean be there by 5:45, NOT 6:01, NOT 6:02.”   I wanted to give her a smack worthy of a score of 602.

We arrived at the Waikiki Beach Marriott Resort and Spa, all extremely exhausted, and listened to our tour director gripe about how to get to our rooms.  Turns out she was wrong, and many of us wandered around confused for a bit. After the herd was directed in the right location, Mom and I soon discovered that the key to our room was not working, so had to call maintenance.  After that was taken care of, we were able to enjoy our room, which had a beautiful side-view of the ocean. 

We strolled down to the beach, which was only two blocks away, and got introduced to the hooligans of Honolulu’s society. Among the bunch was a man dressed in chain mail, wearing a sword on his back, and staring down at his penis, if only to make sure he hadn’t accidentally chopped it off in his sleep.  But that was another day. I’m getting ahead of myself. We enjoyed delivered pizza that evening on our private balcony and went to bed, worn and exhausted. It was here that I slept in the most comfortable bed I’ve ever had the privilege of sleeping in my whole life.  My groans of relief may have given some the wrong idea ;)

I should point out that we were each given some meal vouchers for this trip, and one of them was for the Kuhio Beach Grill in the hotel.  Regularly over twenty bucks a plate, I’m glad ours was “free.”  The food was gross.  Breakfast, dinner, supper, you name it.  So, after an extremely disappointing breakfast the next morning, the group departed the hotel for a tour of the Honolulu area.  We saw some interesting sites, including a palace and some strange Christmas decorations, but when we went through China Town, I was ready to go elsewhere. Things were dirty, crowded, and run down. 

We then journeyed to Pearl Harbor to see the memorial of the USS Arizona. After a short documentary film, we started towards the Navy launch that would take us to the final resting place of the ship.  As we boarded I overheard a little kid ask his mom if we were going to die.  Cheerful. 

The Navy launch took us to the site, and we had a chance to place our leis by a memorial wall or into the ocean if we so desired.  Looking over the side of the memorial, you can still see the top of the USS Arizona, and oil still seeps to the surface.  Men who served aboard her wishing to return to their ship for their final resting place now have the option to have their ashes spread on the inside.  

After a humbling visit, we journeyed to Aloha Tower in Honolulu and ate lunch at the Gordon Biersch Brewery, where we got acquainted with two sisters on our trip named Debbie and Judy.  The food was good, the company was excellent, but the Asian sellers in the shops nearby were scary, pushy, and rude.  Lesson learned: never act interested in purchasing a shirt in Honolulu, and try not to make eye contact with sellers. Check.

After a full day, we returned to our hotel.  Ma and I ordered pizza again and returned to the beach, where upon we saw the most incredible, breath taking sunset of our lives. In that moment, we both felt as though Dad was with us, that he was putting on a special show just for us. In that moment, heaven was tangible. 

The next day was a free day and Ma and I journeyed to the Sea Life Aquarium to kiss a dolphin.  It was there we were introduced to a Warfin, a cross between a whale and a dolphin. She is the only one in the world, apart from her daughter, and she is gorgeous and talented. There was a small dolphin show put on, and she was a star!  The dolphin kissing scene was just as memorable, though Ma almost took a header into the water trying to hold on to the dolphin’s fins.  Classic. As for my turn in the trenches, the dolphin wasn’t quite sure he wanted to give me a kiss, but warmed up to the idea! 

We had a bit of trouble with our locker keys at the aquarium, but that is to be expected when Ma and I journey alone.  Look out, world! The fruits are on the loose! I nearly fruited when I found a big dolphin stuffed animal named Laguna with bright blue eyes in the gift shop, and of course I had to buy him. He caused much attention on the plane rides over the islands and back home, let me tell ya! One young couple was in a fun dispute as to whether it was a dolphin or whale.  Either way, he made a great travel companion, though I may have squeezed some stuffing out along the way.

The next morning we took an inter-island flight to Lihue, Kauai.  Upon arrival, we had lunch at Gaylord’s Restaurant on the Kilohana Plantation.  Ma and I were both drugged up on Bonine, but we enjoyed the sights of the beautiful flowers and quaint shops regardless. I had a wonderful beef sandwich, while Ma had the unfortunate luck of securing raw fish.  After lunch, we all journeyed to the Waimea Canyon, nicknamed the Grand Canyon of the Pacific.  The gorgeous views spanned for what seemed forever, the red sand glittering in the sun.  What a sight!  The beauty continued even further as we traveled to our resort for the next few days, the Kauai Beach Resort.

Our room at the resort was on the first floor, with views of the gorgeous pools on the site.  One pool had a waterfall contained above it, and with the palm trees swaying above, it was quite an ideal site.  After a quick swim at night, we had an unfortunate disaster occur: our shower handle got stuck and wouldn’t shut off. After a call to maintenance, a dude came down to fix it, and broke the handle completely off!  Water was spouting everywhere, and after the wrong tools, the wrong parts, the wrong everything, Ma and I decided to vacate the room (after nearly two hours).  We came across some hookers in the hotel’s bathroom on the first floor and a barking trio of men, but at long last we were given another room, free of problems.

The next day was our free day and we spent it roaming the beach, which was just off the hotel, and lounging around the pools. The pool life revealed its share of hormone-frenzied Latina teenagers, who giggled and laughed their way from pool to pool, shoving and pushing each other, idiotically doing summersaults into the water, but we did our best to ignore them as we sipped at a drink, ate some nachos, and picked up some shells, along with some coral.  Coconuts littered the beaches as the surf pounded against the white sand, and paradise truly revealed itself.  

The next morning we took an inter-island flight to Kahului, Maui.  The stewardesses were very friendly, and they served us Guava juice, a fruity Hawaiian drink that tickled the taste buds.  We arrived for lunch at the Maui Ocean Center, where we had a delicious meal, but received little fascination with the aquarium.  It was the smallest yet most expensive aquarium I’ve encountered, and our tour group left early. 

We drove through Lahaina, where we encountered a Banyan tree two blocks long!  It was there we encountered a strange lounger who saw fit to give us the history of the tree, and when we tried to leave he was insistent on our stay.  After a few more minutes, we fled, and had time to shop in a few of the local attractions before being hoarded back onto the bus.  We then were taken to our hotel, the Hyatt Regency. 

The Hyatt had everything to boast about. Its interior was rich, with high ceilings, palm trees, live penguins, parrots, and open air eating facilities, stores, and rooms with incredible views.  Off the side of our room’s balcony was a view of the ocean, and directly in front of us was an enormous palm tree.  The pool was even more amazing.  With two waterfalls, it was open 24 hours, and had a swim-up bar.  The restaurant off the pool was in a nice location, with live entertainment, but the food was far from great.  I think the drink I ordered was watered down Kool-Aid, complete with raw pizza dough.

The next day was for our own individual pursuits, and Ma and I took the 12-hour tour to Hana.  We had spent an hour the night before trying to locate the pick-up spot for the bus, and had waited there in the morning, only to be told that we were supposed to meet up front, and that the hotel was supposed to call us the night before for the change of venue, which hadn’t happened.  After this small setback, we were on our way to the most beautiful scenery in Maui.

On our journey we saw exquisite sights, including cascading waterfalls, a black sand beach, caves, ocean views, bamboo trees, rainbow colored trees, lava cliffs, and breathtaking beaches.  We were rushed from place to place, and the bus curved through what seemed like millions of dangerously narrowed and curving roads, but the sights were worth it.  There was a time when the bus driver (Bear) had to wait to see if he could see a car coming before gunning up the long hill.  Several cars had to back up on the dangerous roads to allow the bus passage, and I found myself praying silently to the Virgin Mary statue, mysteriously placed in a lava cave along the way, that our bus driver wouldn’t kill us, either by plunging us off the road into the ocean or by his cheesy comments.

We enjoyed the best banana bread in the world along the road to Hana, along with the most luscious apple bananas.  Ma and I wore swimsuits underneath our outfits to swim in the fresh water caves, but we had no time to do so, unfortunately, but the black sand beach (made out of volcanic lava and ash) was well worth our time. 

After twelve hours, we were more than ready to be back at our hotel and slept with our balcony door open, being lulled to sleep by the sounds of waves crashing against the shore. 

The next day Ma and I returned to Lahaina to embark on a whale-watching extravaganza.  The crew was friendly and informative, and, as promised, we saw whales! There is nothing like the sight of a whale tail crashing against the water, but also nothing like the feeling of seasickness.  The boat was moving back and forth to such a degree that the captain had to move away from those waters to a calmer area.  By that time, Ma and I were both sick and in no mood to do anything except reach land, though she did capture an image of a whale head crashing up out of the water. My opinion? It wasn’t a whale at all, but an escapee from Jurassic Park.

After what seemed like hours, we returned to steady land and enjoyed a steady stomach at last.  Strolling along the shops, we enjoyed a delicious Hawaiian snow cone and made our way back to the bus stop to return to the Hyatt. That evening, among a gorgeous red sunset, we enjoyed a Luau.  The dancers were impressive, but the food left something to be desired.  This seems to be something of a tradition in Hawaii, though the pineapple was to die for.

The next morning we said goodbye to the hotel parrot and penguins and boarded our bus to arrive at the Kahili golf course for lunch.  The food was delicious, but there was little else impressive about the place.  Golfers and all. We moved on to visit a tropical plantation and received a tour of the grounds.  The plants and flowers were lush and beautiful, but it couldn’t last. It was time to return home.

Half of us were taken to the airport late that afternoon. This time around, the ride was a bit shorter and we had window seats, but the movie, again, was equally horrible, some cartoon about a kid bringing his dead dog back to life.  It was dark and grotesque, something a child should never see, I should think. 

We arrived in Ft. Worth, experienced the horror of a sky lift, and, after nearly falling over and a two-hour wait, we boarded the horrifyingly small plane bound for Des Moines.  There were only about 16 of us on the plane, and, after spreading us out to equalize the weight, we took off.  An hour and a half later, we arrived in Des Moines, but before we could land had to experience the sound of what appeared to be a woman screaming to her death off of a cliff. Nice engines and all. A nice welcome home.

We arrived back at my aunt’s house in Des Moines and spent the rest of the day sleeping, dreaming of our time in paradise and wondering when we could go back.