4 am

It is 4 am and I'm still awake. I can't go to sleep.  I am afraid to.  So instead, I just watched this really corny Robert Downey Jr. movie called Heart and Souls.  It was a pretty good film, but cheesy.  I can't complain about Robert Downey, though. That man is one of the most handsome men on the planet!
So what does one do at 4 am? I'm trying to think of something else to do.  I could read, but I have a feeling that won't go well.  I just watched two hours of television, so I don't really feel like any more.  I could stare at my Xmas tree, but I've been doing that for four hours too.  I've already listened to my mp3 player.  Hmm. 
How do you say goodbye to people you'll never see again?  I have a hard time with this.  I'm always on a quest to find genuinely decent human beings, so when I do, it is extremely difficult for me to say goodbye.  I don't allow myself many connections with other people, so when I do, it is difficult to have that disappear.  Same thing with places. 
How do you let go of things? I have yet to master this. I cling to so many different things and fears.  I am so plagued with fears that I can hardly move, barely breathe.  I've had such trouble breathing today, and my chest hurts.  I feel like something has been ripped from my chest.  It feels like I've just experienced a death.  Another death of myself.  What's left? Shell, shell, shell, shell, shell, shell, shell, shell.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................