I've been pondering something for quite some time now. Do happy endings really exist in our world? I mean, really? I'm so tired of things being shit for so many people I love and myself. Things could be a lot worse, but still. Family is what makes life bearable. I am fortunate that I have such an amazing family. What is life without those people? Absolutely nothing.
I'm lost, that is a given. I've complained about that before. This isn't new. I haven't the faintest idea what to do or which direction to take, because frankly, I am numbed. I have numbed myself to feeling emotions for a considerable time, and my brain is in a constant state of forced control and denial. I have done this for so long, that I don't know how to break through that barrier. Life is not a fantasy. I wish it was. The reality is, it is hard, and things need to be faced, need to be accepted. I don't want to accept certain things. I can't. Granted, there are rare, inexplicable moments where genuine emotions will erupt through my thick wall, and it is hard for me to get back in control. Control is a big issue for me. Having said that, sometimes those eruptions are relieving to me, for they demonstrate that I still do have underlying feelings about certain things that haven't necessarily been dealt with, and for just one moment, my brain is trying to get me to.
But I'm blathering. The main point of this blog is to talk about happy endings. I love them, but they seem nonexistent. So when I see movies or television shows that depict happy endings, for a moment, I feel relief for the world, even though it is indeed fake. In the spirit of this, I must congratulate the BBC version of The Office. This show is, granted, at most times very gut wrenching, but I just finished watching the Christmas special, and it needs to be congratulated because the ending made me cry. Yay for Tim and Dawn! It was a happy cry. Unexpected happy endings can do that to a person. Those are the best kinds. Too bad it is fiction. Still...for a moment, it is relief.
Crying is a complicated catharsis. My entire body is so rigid with my continued attempts at control that I do not allow myself to actually let feelings in on a day to day basis. Things are just automatic, like a damned robot. I've been told to try to force myself to cry. This doesn't work. Crying has the power to make the body feel better for a period of time, but it is so hard to try to force, especially when our body's defenses are so powerful. So...it is a relief that such moments can have a surprising effect, when we least expect them. As long as the tears are brought out from happy moments and not cruel ones, I welcome those moments with open arms, and I want more of them.
Superbly written and deeply felt by whomever reads these words.
ReplyDeleteHmm... I think Happy Endings exist, but they aren't grand events. I think they exist in little tiny moments every day. I am a person who doesn't count on happy endings...in fact, I prefer movies, books, etc that don't have happy endings, but that leave you thinking 'what's next'?
ReplyDeleteI actually spoke with my hubby last night, and we were actually talking about how it is hard to feel in the moment. And if we stuff feelings, they will eventually erupt. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. And if we try so hard or just numb out, eventually it will catch up with us and then something small can make us overreact, when it actually has nothing to do with the present event at all. I like to hope that every ending is another beginning. Every day is a chance to start fresh. If it weren't for people who judge it would be a lot easier to live that out. But, as humans, we will judge.
I can tell when I look at you that you are flexing every muscle so that you don't feel. And when you and I talked we went over that a lot. I don't even pretend to have a fraction of any answer. But I know that I've had to learn, and my hubby has had to learn, to feel emotions as they come, no matter how shitty that sounds and no matter how shitty the feeling is. I know that this is a point of contention between you and my hubster...but I do believe that you have to know sadness to know happiness. You have to know despair to experience joy at new heights. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but it plays out over and over in history and in every day life. Do I stuff my feelings? Eff yeah! And then when it comes out over something that seems trivial, I feel so foolish. It's normal for the human brain to protect itself. It will do anything to stay in survival mode. And it will tempt us to stuff. I have stuffed SO MANY YEARS of feelings. I only have snatches of my childhood, and after my experience when I was 16, my brain numbed itself out, by itself and with substances, until I trusted someone enough to let it out. Whenever you and I talk I feel like you might take it in a way that's like 'this is how it is, so there'. And I hope you know that I'm truly not doing that. But I was a stuffer. And when I stopped, maybe people thought I was weirder, and maybe I didn't fit in as well as before. But now I see happy endings and new beginnings, when I see my niece and nephew or my aging parents or when I see Jeremy at the end of the day. I think we can ONLY have happy endings if we give ourselves a chance to have happy beginnings. And if those don't come from an outside stimuli, then we create it ourselves. I really do believe that. However, I understand why people wouldn't. I didn't believe if for most of my life.
And I would HATE those who would tell me that hell yeah, life is good and there is happiness all around us.
Like we've talked about, YOU will know when....when to make a move, when to accept happiness and love from those who love you dearly and desperately...and I am one of those people. I love you so very much. And I know you will be happy. And there will be a million happy endings and a million more happy beginnings.