Black Day

It was a black day today. I haven't moved from my bedroom all day long, which has been actually very nice.  I submitted my thesis yesterday, so unless they find something lacking in it, I'm finished with it.  After tomorrow, I'll be finished for good.  I will have my last class tomorrow at USD. It's not something I want to think about for very long. I don't know how I will handle it. I can't.  And I don't know how I'm going to go to my graduation ceremony. There's only so much faking you can do.  How will I be able to get through that?
I don't know what I am. I know I'm not something.  I'm not even sure I'm alive half of the time.  How in the hell do you get out of such darkness?  What the hell causes this crap? And why won't it go away? Why does nothing seem to help? School has been my safety net. I have been able to hide myself away from everything.  I haven't had to answer to anyone but myself. I...
I watched a very good movie this evening. It was called Captain Newman M.D. It was about war PTSD and focused on a psychiatrist (Gregory Peck) in his attempts to heal his patients. It was a wonderful film.  I thoroughly enjoy movies surrounding psychiatry.  If I was a different person, I would have gone into the mental health field.  I've always been so fascinated by it.  It is a very terrifying field to enter into, but it is something I wish I could have done...had I not been me.  It would have been rewarding to try to help others.  Then again, I loathe people so this wouldn't have worked out.  Again, we're talking about if I wasn't me.  As it is, I am nobody.  I am nothing.
I am asleep, and I can't wake up.